Baptizing Holocaust Jews (or Tuesdays With Mormon)

  After years of psychologically beating myself up for my inability to share the faith in religion many of my loved ones have, I recently came to terms with my status as a pure agnostic. I don't claim to know anything for a fact and I adhere to no religion and I have no interest in doing so. I believe that, if indeed there is a God, he or she or it is nothing like the anthropomorphized character depicted in the religions of humanity, whatever they may be called. I feel more at peace than I have in years since accepting my own skepticism and moving on with my life. You may call me an atheist. I don't particularly care how anyone else chooses to label my philosophy.
  I was not raised in a religious setting, though in my late teens my parents found themselves desirous of something they felt was missing from their lives and began attending a Christian church on a regular basis. They believe and I am happy that they find meaning and comfort in their beliefs. I say all this so that it is clear that what follows is coming from someone with no religious attachment whatsoever, and not from a member of a "rival" religion who just wants to dump on Mormonism.
  In just under three months, Americans will go to the polls and either re-elect arguably the most divisive and contentious executive in our nation's history, or they will elect his challenger, Mitt Romney. This election has the country sharply divided and feelings on both sides run rather high.
  It is my opinion that many Americans are under the impression that President Obama does not share their Christian faith, and that bothers them. For whatever reason, and I don't really understand why, people want a President who thinks the same thing as they do happens when we die. To me, that's weird and irrelevant, but there it is. Like it or not.
  To that end, I take a break from the usual hi-jinks and hilarity you've come to expect from Maladaptive Behavior to explain some of the basic things Mitt Romney believes, and you can decide for yourself how close your particular religion runs to his. I'll try to crack-wise a few times so as to keep you interested.
  Mitt believes it is a grievous sin to drink...anything other than water or maybe Gatorade. Not only is alcohol strictly forbidden by the "Doctrines & Covenants" (a more nuts and bolts technical companion book to the Book of Mormon), so to is caffeine, tobacco, or any hot drink. That means no hot-cocoa too. Jesus, am I already bored with this stuff. Sure could use a frappa-never mind.
  The next thing Mitt believes in that maybe your church doesn't teach is...making an obscene, embarrassing shit-load of money! Many Christian churches profess a vow of poverty as a virtue, and nearly all eschew the idea of wanton excess of riches. They preach charity and helping the poor. Not so much with the Latter Day Saints crowd.
  This past March, the Mormon Church completed a very ambitious construction project: a $2 billion mega mall. The City Creek Center stands right across the street from the church's iconic neo-Gothic Salt Lake City temple and has nearly 100 stores including Tiffany's. At least we know those Sister Wives out there will be rocking some very posh bling... on their ears, as that is the only place Mormon women are allowed to wear jewelry. Maybe the idea is instead to sell tons of precious jewels to non-Mormons to generate grotesque amounts of revenue for the Church. Much like Mitt himself, the Mormon Church is more a corporation than anything else. We won't even get into the Church's strict rules regarding tithing. Suffice it to say, Mormons either give a lot, or face Hell. That comes straight from Joseph Smith himself. He was like a shadier L. Ron Hubbard, with less entertaining stories.
  Next is the underwear. You know you've all been waiting to hear about the underwear. When a Mormon undergoes a ceremony called The Endowment, they are put through a ritualistic, pseudo-sexual cleansing that they aren't supposed to talk about afterwards (creepy shit, huh?). They are stripped down and "anointed" with some kind of sacred oils (probably patchouli like a gross, dreadlocked hippie). Afterwards, they are presented with The Garment, which amounts to an adult-sized onesie that they claim has the magical property of being able to keep evil at bay. They are required to wear it day and night and to always wear it when inside the temple.  This is presumably to make it easier for nervous Mormon preachers to picture their flock in their undies to help calm their nerves.
  I won't seek to understand the thinking about this one, but Mitt and his fellow Latter Day Saints have taken it upon themselves to posthumously baptize the Jewish people who were killed in the Holocaust. Apparently being mass murdered for their beliefs wasn't punishment enough to avoid Hell without the help of Mormon clergy born after the fact praying over their bones in the name of Joseph Dmith and Brigham Young. Ok? I think that says it all.
 I could go on and in here, but I'm losing interest and feeling like having a Red Bull, so I'll wrap it up here. Point is this, if you are an average American Christian, Mitt Romney doesn't share your views on faith anymore than I do, so be careful where you put your vote. We could end up with a new national anthem courtesy of Marie Osmond and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. 

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Vote For Ozzy Osbourne (or the Satan Administration)

  As this nearly unbearable election year enters the home-stretch, I find myself wanting to fill my ears with silicone caulk and to hot glue my eyes shut so as to avoid the constant barrage of mud-slinging campaign commercials gushing forth from the TV and radio. There seems to be no escape from the torrential storm of negative ads that seek to attempt to win our votes not by telling us about the virtues of the candidate who bought the air time; but rather to make certain we all know what a reprehensible fucking piece of dog shit he or she believes his or her opponent to be.
  This year's Presidential race is perhaps the worst ever, but it is unquestionably the worst in my lifetime. I have never seen two candidates spew such undiluted venom at one another. This will only get more vicious as we wrap up the conventions and get into the race in earnest.
  This year is unique among the elections I have seen in that nearly everyone who votes will be doing so to keep one of the candidates from winning instead of voting for the candidate they actually hopes wins. Of those who voted for President Obama in 2008 there are many (like myself) who are so dissatisfied with the job he has done that the thought of voting for him again is nearly unthinkable. It is, however, equally unthinkable to vote for Mitt Romney.
  He is an unrepentant business criminal who embodies every negative image of greedy excess one can think of. This guy is a fucking monocle and a long cigarette holder away from being the cartoon depiction of a Wall Street tycoon anyone would draw if asked to draw a fucking Wall Street tycoon. The man has gray "Paulie Walnuts" wings in his hair, for chrissakes! His teeth sparkle in an unnatural way that makes me uncomfortable, like he may actually be a vampire as opposed to a figurative "blood-sucker" who will leave you penniless but not literally sucked dry.
  On the other side we have Mr. Hopey McChangerson himself, President Barry H. Obama. He was going to end the wars, save the economy, and hook us all up with this dude he knows who can get some really fantastic weed and it would be totally legal and we would all get laid. Not only did he do none of those things, his record is arguably as bad as George W. Bush's in nearly every significant way.
  If real Republicans could actually look past his skin color and official party affiliation, they would love this guy. He's done a great deal to make their war-mongering military-industrial complex paymasters even wealthier, AND he killed the troublesome pest Osama Bin Laden. He did all that while still managing to ensure the U.S. military will be on the ground in the Middle East for decades to come. The Perpetual Motion Engine has finally been created, and it is a goddamned war machine  (queue War Pigs by Black Sabbath).
  So those are the choices we have for our nation's highest office: an Arrow shirt model with magic underwear who will see the poor drowned in the liquid feces of of the Elders of the Mormon Church, or the incumbent, who will shape-shift into the form of Ronald Reagan's gaseous, bloated corpse for his final four years in office while vomiting liberal platitudes and green bile all over the inauguration podium while issuing an air strike on a daycare in Kabul from his pointy, prehensile tail. Strap in, bitches; this ride is about to go completely off the fucking rails. See you in the nuclear waste-land afterwards.

Getta Load'a The Balls On Todd Akin (A Rape-trospective)

  Rep. Todd Akin (R)-Missouri is, without question, the bravest man in America.  A member of a political party that has made a name for itself by attempting to control the bodies and behavior of women, he has distinguished himself by finally hitting that gender where it hurts: their evil, man-trapping vaginas.
  Many is the poor, unsuspecting rapist who was simply trying to overpower and forcibly penetrate an uncooperative, completely unwilling and stubborn woman's vagina; only to be roped into unwanted and unplanned fatherhood. This, despite that woman's well-known ability to prevent her egg's fertilization using her 'Pussy Control' (a female-specific super-power first brought to the world's attention by pop-star Prince on his 1995 album The Gold Experience).
  It isn't simply Akin's bold stance against women which is to be commended, it is also his steadfast confidence in his ability to win the November election against Democratic opponent Claire McCaskill (bitch).  Though the entire Republican party has universally condemned Akin's comments in an effort to seem less chauvinistic than their colleague, he has refused to drop out of the race by the State of Missouri's deadline of 5pm today. It will now require a court order to get Akin off the ballot, and Akin's campaign would have to foot the bill for the reprinting of those ballots.
  So fiercely does the Republican party want Todd Akin to abandon his bid for the Senate that presumptive Presidential and Vice-Presidential nominees Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan even took a break from their scheduled pro-life rally outside a Planned Parenthood to tell reporters they felt Akin's comments went "a smidge too far." When pressed for more details by a female beat-writer, they said in unison "What, are you deaf, Bitch? We said he went too far!" As they walked away, Paul Ryan muttered under his breath something about having 99 problems, but a bitch not being among them. That was, however, off-the-record.
  What is clear is that Todd Akin is resolved to defeat that uppity Claire McCaskill, and finally bring to the U.S. Senate what it so sorely lacks; the perspective of the common conservative American man, as well as someone to finally stand up and define what is or is not a truly legitimate and forcible rape. There is simply no more pressing business before this upcoming session of Congress.
  This story is still developing, and you can count on this blogger to keep you apprised of any additional information. That is, unless some awful witch-woman she-devil uses her voodoo mojo powers to prevent me from keeping my focus...that would be just like one of them to keep a man from the truth.  Can't live with em', and apparently the liberal, 'Gotcha' media frown on even a little bit of playful rape, even in cases when the woman is dressed really slutty and clearly wants it. Welcome to Obama's America.

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Special thanks go out to my soul-mate and wife, Katie, for never, ever giving me any lip and for always having my supper ready on time. I love you, Lady. It's too bad you're forbidden to use the Internet, and thus, will never know I acknowledged you here. I'm sure you would have liked that.

Country Music VS Great White Shark

  The Great White Shark is nature's perfect killing machine. It's Latin name is Carcharodon Carcharias and it is the sole surviving species in its genus, having evolved over millions of years to become the world's perfect apex predator. There exists no rival to the Great White in the oceans, and there is nothing on land that can match it for sheer longevity, physical strength, or ability to inspire respect from the species with whom it co-habitates. In other words, the Great White is the baddest sum'bitch the world has seen since the damn Tyrannosaurus Rex got meteor-slapped into extinction.
  Country music is an American musical style which has its origins in Appalachian Folk music, Gospel, Bluegrass, as well as Western Swing and Anglo-Celtic music. From the early 20th Century up until perhaps1970, Country Music had a very specific stylistic design as well as a specific target audience, the hard-drinking, fist-fighting square-dancing good ol' boys and the honky tonk women who loved them.
  Artists like Hank Williams Sr, Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, and Johnny Cash created a musical genre that spoke to the souls of American southerners and mid-westerners as well. Their love songs, murder ballads, and gospel-filled hymns were pure Americana, if not exactly every one's cup o' tea.
  Sometime after 1970, the city of Nashville, Tennessee became overwhelmed by men in suits from California and New York. These men came with the mission to package the charm of Country music, and make it marketable to every single American. They accomplished this by destroying the country songwriter and replacing them with melody-shitting machines, and lyricists who are, at best, pandering; at worst, racist, sexist, and xenophobic hacks who appeal to the ignorance and simplicity of unsophisticated, emotionally driven people with very simple tastes.
  The worst example that comes to my mind in the last few years is Toby Keith. Toby Keith is a bleached-mullet in a ten-gallon hat who would be working at a Wal-Mart changing oil, if it weren't for his pandering 9/11-profiteering songs, his racist, anti-Muslim odes, and his contrived "I once smoked pot with Willie Nelson" ditty that I find highly unbelievable. Willie Nelson would not waste perfectly funky buds of chronic on a closed-minded hick like Toby Keith. He should fill that Red Solo Cup with shark-chum and kindly take a swim with the Great Whites. Jaws, do your thing.
  The next example of how far Country music has fallen is perhaps the saddest of them all. Given his lineage, one would expect Hank Williams Jr. to follow in his father's footsteps, writing plaintive, weepy tales of melancholy and the plight of the working man. The stanzas of true cowboy poetry that would speak for the southern man the way Bob Dylan spoke to the frustrated youth of the 60s. He could have carried his father's torch. He could have been a real artist.
  Despite a truly good singing voice and an ability to compose melody, Hank Williams Jr completely lacks any artistic credibility or depth. He made a shockingly long career belting out hooky bullshit about being "born to boogie" with "all his rowdy friends."  This career fell off in the early 1990s, probably due to the massive amount of fellow Nashville hacks doing the exact same thing (Travis Tritt, Garth Brooks, Billy Ray Cyrus, et al). He then went on to host some horrifyingly stupid TV show about turkey hunting or some other boorish nonsense, and made a career out of singing a parody of one of his own songs on a weekly basis during the NFL season.
  That all came to a rather abrupt conclusion when, in 2011, Bocephus went on a news program (for some reason) and made disrespectful, factually inaccurate, and insensitive comments about the country's first African American president. Monday Night Football was, thereafter, way, way less annoying.
  For wasting America's time both with his completely irrelevant political ravings and his catalogue of lazy, uninspired music; Hank Williams Jr. must be wrapped in a suit of bloody salmon chunks, dunked in a vat of Great-White-Nip and made to walk the plank into a frothing, thrashing, Great -White feeding frenzy while the Discovery Channel films for Shark Week 2012. It's justice AND educational entertainment. It's Edu-tainment.
  There are many, many other modern "Country" acts who would make for great shark bait. If Kenny Chesney were to decide to complete the Circle of Life and feed a man-eater, that would be super-cool. If Tim McGraw, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Swift could find it in their hearts to find their way into a shark's gnashing teeth, nature would be all about that. All of those "artists" should do their part to ensure the survival of a species that has been listed as "vulnerable" by the IUCN Redlist of Threatened Species.
  If none of the above-listed acts can choose to do the right thing, we must do our part and round up all the boy bands, Justin Biebers, and Katy Perry's and keep the sharks from wasting away until we can serve them a proper Sugarland-Stew.

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Be Unafraid, For You Have Power...

  This weekend a white man in his forties in camo pants and combat boots charged into a Sikh temple in Wisconsin with guns blazing and his heart full of hatred. This man, identified post-mortem as Wade Michael Page, was a U.S. Army veteran and a white supremacist.

  Survivors from this attack say Page seemed to diliberately target men in turbans, which are required of male adherents to Sikhism. This would seem to confirm, when one also considers Page's prominent  9-11 tattoo, that Page was under the impression that the Sikhs were Muslims, and that it was

his mission somehow to kill "the enemy."  

  Page's heinous crime is indicative of the larger problem we have here in the U.S.; which is that there is a not insignificant percentage of our population that is willfully ignorant, brazenly racist, heavily armed, and, worst of all, flat convinced they are right and that they have God on their side.  In other words, exactly like the members of al Qaida in every way except religious affiliation, language, and place of birth.

  Which raises this question in my mind; what good is a war against terrorists half a world away when we are creating then right here at home? We create them via a complex combination of factors. Most important among them are: religious indoctrination, biased and inaccurate news coverage, and an education system that leaves many students scarcely more literate than when they first started school in the first place. Those who don't actively seek different opinions or facts by reading a plethora of different books and taking in many different viewpoints are destined to, at the least, a life of ignorance, and at worst, to become a blunt instrument against which everything that it comes in contact with is broken.

   The former live fairly benign lives, going about the business of consumption, but leaving behind them no trail of bodies, no crushed psyches, no headlines. The worst thing these people are really guilty of is merely perpetuating the culture of anti-intellectualism by what they teach their kids, which they seem to make at a break-neck pace. They intend to keep it stupid for generations to come but we as a people are no worse for their presence, provided of course they don't inter-breed with the thinking people; which would require a thinking person actually stop thinking, so no worries there.

  The latter, however, are extremely dangerous. These are the people who are so resolute in their beliefs as to not only want everyone else to adhere to them, but to seek to violently punish those who don't. Many of history's most notorious and infamous people shared this trait. What were Napoleon, Hitler, Pol Pot, or even Jim Jones if not hopelessly devoted to very narrow, simple, but unyielding ideals? 

  This is the sort of person who could walk into a place as peaceful and serene as a Sikh temple and kill strangers, believing the penalty for divergent thought is death. The penalty for not blindly accepting their singular world-view is death. The penalty for not being white, for not worshipping Jesus, for not being born an American with red white and blue blood, is death. The details of their particular obsessive psychoses vary, the end result does not. The result is always horror. The result is always shattered families. The result is always loss.

  What, then, is the answer to this? How do we win a war of ideals when the opposition is so willfully ignorant? There is no simple answer to that. It will not be one thing but an alloy of various cooperating elements that will rid our society of willful ignorance. 

  The first step is always the hardest to convince ourselves to make, but it's always the easiest in hindsight.  The first step, in my view, is to stop tolerating ignorance within your own arms' reach. Whenever you're in the presence of someone espousing hate and intolerance, poke holes in their logic. Contradict their false claims and take the poison from their words with your own. Be as insistent and forceful in your approach as they are with theirs. Forcefully educate those you can, simply drown out and overpower those who refuse to learn. By no means should you sit by idle while they infect the ears of those around you. It's like second-hand smoke of the mind, and you don'thave to tolerate it.

  The next step is to simply repeat step one over and over and over until we have silenced the forces of hate and stupidity. Eventually, people will come to realize that spitting venom on and terrorizing those who are different is met with such uproarious disapproval and the penalties for hate crimes are so steep that they will trip over themselves trying to learn all they can about peace, acceptance and love. Because, I believe, once they really get a taste of that, they'll begin to crave it. It will feel so good loving and accepting and being loved and accepted that they won't be able to get enough of it. They will become agents for love themselves, and they will teach the next person, and so on, and so on, on down the line until the world is truly at peace. I don't think this is impossible. I hope you agree.

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I Learned Everything I Really Need To Know At Chicken Restaurants...

  In my younger days, I was what you might call a lost soul.  My ideals and morality were so distorted and poorly constructed that I could scarcely be said to have any moral compass at all.  I didn't care enough about myself to bother with concepts of right and wrong, particularly when it came to the great moral dilemmas that so divide and vex our world.  I instead adhered to a philosophy of self gratification and indulgence that left me nearly blind and rendered more than one computer so riddled with porn-related viruses that they had to be destroyed. Just like a rabid dog, those machines had to be put down before they infected any other innocent computers. I watched a lot of porn, is what I'm saying.
   But my unhealthy relationship with the erotic arts wasn't my only character flaw. Not by a damn sight. In those days, on the very rare occasion that I did have an ethical question, I would seek advice from my father or mother, a learned professor, perhaps just a particularly wise-looking old dude sitting at a bus stop. Never once did I do the right thing and take my moral quandary to the obvious true moral authority of our age, the owner and proprietor of Chick-Fil-A.
  Had I but opened my eyes to the reality that there existed a real life manifestation of God's own will, I could have set my course right and true and been thereafter unwavering in my scrupulous, just, good, and holy approach to living a proper existence in accordance with God's plan (as revealed to the owner of Chick-Fil-A by Jesus Christ Himself).
  Hindsight is twenty-twenty, they say. I can't waste time looking back, however. I must instead look forward, remembering to always ask myself when in times of uncertainty this simple question "WWDCD?" What Would Dan Cathy Do?
  We can be sure that whatever Dan Cathy would do, it would NOT include gay sex. That's a non-starter in Dan's book of do's and don't's. That's right out of the question! No butt-play. No Dirty Sanchez's. No Cleveland Steamers. No reach-arounds. Nothing but wholesome, man-on-wife missionary position. That's IT! So sayeth the Lord...of greasy, artery-clogging fried chicken sandwiches and French fries. Amen.
   I hope that you too learn to follow in the righteous footsteps of that holy prophet and take his example as seriously as I have. It will truly change your life. Much like any other cult. This cult just comes with waffle-fries and cole slaw...and instead of taking your life-savings and organizing a mass-suicide, they milk you one $5.99 Extra Value Meal at a time and you die of a massive heart attack when you least expect it as opposed to slurping down cyanide-flavored Kool Aid and keeling over in a tent in Guyana or burning alive in an ATF raid on your compound. I'll be praying for you...sinners.

This is a work of sarcasm. The author fully intended all the hyperbole you are so angry about and will not engage in a debate about the topic of gay marriage or care what side of that issue you are on. He is also not interested in your religious superstitions or moral code. Just let it go.


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Bless you...

One Day the Sun Will Eat the Earth...

The End is Nigh...

  It's true.  One day in the future, the sun will become what astrophysicists call a Red Giant.  It will become increasingly oxygen deprived, angry, and fat.  As it becomes more and more insecure and needy, it will swell and swell. It will expand and grow, seeking energy; engulfing the very planets that orbit it.  Ultimately, it will collapse into a black hole.  All remaining matter within the black hole's vicinity will be sucked in and crushed, caving in on itself; destroying on a cellular level everything that matter ever was or ever would be. It's going to be fucking crazy!

  Bear in mind, none of us will be alive to witness such a spectacular end to the only home we've ever known and everything we ever saw or touched, loved or hated, coveted or tried to distance ourselves from. We will have long since burned up from the radiant energy being emitted by the dying star. In the end, everything will be compressed into the same speck of carbon.  That brings it all close to home, doesn't it?  That guy you hate at work whose jokes are always so fucking mundane, one-note, and racist?  His cells and your cells will one day be one. 

  We are all destined to one day rejoin the cosmic continuum in this way.  If there is an afterlife I believe in, it is this one.  We become a part of the void.  It's fitting, in my view, given how much weight we give our lives and all the milestones and hallmarks contained therein, that we should be reduced to such an infinitesimally minuscule speck of matter, encompassing literally everything. It has a certain elegance to its awful simplicity and finality. It makes mockery of all our worries and concerns.  If you think that job you're applying for is important, that project you want to start will change the world, or that love you seek could break the bonds of solitude; it matters not.  In the end, none of us will be alone.

  If there is a point to this diatribe (I hope there is, I sort of have to), it is this: Love each other, forget your anger, avoid those who seek to do harm to your peace and tranquility, and be prepared to join the beautiful, eternal, inward-spiraling abyss. There is no escaping it anyway. You might as well enjoy the ride.

This article was inspired by Carl Sagan, Prof. Stephen Hawking, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Luke Skywalker, Bender, Flash Gordon and Capt's James Tiberius Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard

P.S. Got this sucker finished faster than expected.  I told you this was going to require a hefty commitment on your part.  Don't let a single article go unread.  Every thought of mine that you miss is one less thought of mine that you will then be able to pass along to someone else.  Can we afford for a single one of my brilliant musings to go unnoticed by the world.  We can not.  Trust me. Pay this shit forward, is the point.

Contact me at : thisistruth4you@gmail.com, follow on twitter @JACarlisle1

I also respond to smoke signals or psychic/astral projections. If you are compelled to send me pictures, please make sure you are clothed unless you are a foxy young lady of legal age. In that case, side-boob shots are welcome, but make sure your photos are of the R rating as opposed to NC-17 or M or XXX.  I'd hate to have to block and or report you for not adhering to the laws of the interwebs because your exuberance at your freshly acquired wisdom drove you to photograph yourself in unseemly ways and put them online.  That stuff stays on the net forever, so it could totally fuck up your future senatorial campaign. We all lose then.

In The Beginning I,...

  Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my much anticipated new blog. The title, Maladaptive Behavior, is a term from the mental health field. I have chosen to use it because I feel it accurately describes the generally twisted way we as a species interact with one another...and it rolls well off the tongue, don't you think? Of course you do.
  The topics I will cover in this forum will range from politics and current events, science and technology, sports and culture, and weird porn. If it interests me, I'm going to talk about it. I hope you will indulge me and read my thoughts as well as offer yours. If your thought sucks, I won't hesitate to inform you. You should adjust your incorrect thoughts according to my directions.
  I intend to offer you these precious, precious thoughts several times a week, so your responsibility to stay informed by me requires some diligence on your part, as I'm sure you understand. Please don't take this lightly, as it will be your job to bring others into the fold as you become better informed, smarter, and thus, better than the uninitiated.
  Your first lesson will be ready within the next two days. As God once said to the monkeys, prepare to evolve, bitches.
Contact me at: thisistruth4you@gmail.com