Baptizing Holocaust Jews (or Tuesdays With Mormon)

  After years of psychologically beating myself up for my inability to share the faith in religion many of my loved ones have, I recently came to terms with my status as a pure agnostic. I don't claim to know anything for a fact and I adhere to no religion and I have no interest in doing so. I believe that, if indeed there is a God, he or she or it is nothing like the anthropomorphized character depicted in the religions of humanity, whatever they may be called. I feel more at peace than I have in years since accepting my own skepticism and moving on with my life. You may call me an atheist. I don't particularly care how anyone else chooses to label my philosophy.
  I was not raised in a religious setting, though in my late teens my parents found themselves desirous of something they felt was missing from their lives and began attending a Christian church on a regular basis. They believe and I am happy that they find meaning and comfort in their beliefs. I say all this so that it is clear that what follows is coming from someone with no religious attachment whatsoever, and not from a member of a "rival" religion who just wants to dump on Mormonism.
  In just under three months, Americans will go to the polls and either re-elect arguably the most divisive and contentious executive in our nation's history, or they will elect his challenger, Mitt Romney. This election has the country sharply divided and feelings on both sides run rather high.
  It is my opinion that many Americans are under the impression that President Obama does not share their Christian faith, and that bothers them. For whatever reason, and I don't really understand why, people want a President who thinks the same thing as they do happens when we die. To me, that's weird and irrelevant, but there it is. Like it or not.
  To that end, I take a break from the usual hi-jinks and hilarity you've come to expect from Maladaptive Behavior to explain some of the basic things Mitt Romney believes, and you can decide for yourself how close your particular religion runs to his. I'll try to crack-wise a few times so as to keep you interested.
  Mitt believes it is a grievous sin to drink...anything other than water or maybe Gatorade. Not only is alcohol strictly forbidden by the "Doctrines & Covenants" (a more nuts and bolts technical companion book to the Book of Mormon), so to is caffeine, tobacco, or any hot drink. That means no hot-cocoa too. Jesus, am I already bored with this stuff. Sure could use a frappa-never mind.
  The next thing Mitt believes in that maybe your church doesn't teach is...making an obscene, embarrassing shit-load of money! Many Christian churches profess a vow of poverty as a virtue, and nearly all eschew the idea of wanton excess of riches. They preach charity and helping the poor. Not so much with the Latter Day Saints crowd.
  This past March, the Mormon Church completed a very ambitious construction project: a $2 billion mega mall. The City Creek Center stands right across the street from the church's iconic neo-Gothic Salt Lake City temple and has nearly 100 stores including Tiffany's. At least we know those Sister Wives out there will be rocking some very posh bling... on their ears, as that is the only place Mormon women are allowed to wear jewelry. Maybe the idea is instead to sell tons of precious jewels to non-Mormons to generate grotesque amounts of revenue for the Church. Much like Mitt himself, the Mormon Church is more a corporation than anything else. We won't even get into the Church's strict rules regarding tithing. Suffice it to say, Mormons either give a lot, or face Hell. That comes straight from Joseph Smith himself. He was like a shadier L. Ron Hubbard, with less entertaining stories.
  Next is the underwear. You know you've all been waiting to hear about the underwear. When a Mormon undergoes a ceremony called The Endowment, they are put through a ritualistic, pseudo-sexual cleansing that they aren't supposed to talk about afterwards (creepy shit, huh?). They are stripped down and "anointed" with some kind of sacred oils (probably patchouli like a gross, dreadlocked hippie). Afterwards, they are presented with The Garment, which amounts to an adult-sized onesie that they claim has the magical property of being able to keep evil at bay. They are required to wear it day and night and to always wear it when inside the temple.  This is presumably to make it easier for nervous Mormon preachers to picture their flock in their undies to help calm their nerves.
  I won't seek to understand the thinking about this one, but Mitt and his fellow Latter Day Saints have taken it upon themselves to posthumously baptize the Jewish people who were killed in the Holocaust. Apparently being mass murdered for their beliefs wasn't punishment enough to avoid Hell without the help of Mormon clergy born after the fact praying over their bones in the name of Joseph Dmith and Brigham Young. Ok? I think that says it all.
 I could go on and in here, but I'm losing interest and feeling like having a Red Bull, so I'll wrap it up here. Point is this, if you are an average American Christian, Mitt Romney doesn't share your views on faith anymore than I do, so be careful where you put your vote. We could end up with a new national anthem courtesy of Marie Osmond and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. 

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