Country Music VS Great White Shark

  The Great White Shark is nature's perfect killing machine. It's Latin name is Carcharodon Carcharias and it is the sole surviving species in its genus, having evolved over millions of years to become the world's perfect apex predator. There exists no rival to the Great White in the oceans, and there is nothing on land that can match it for sheer longevity, physical strength, or ability to inspire respect from the species with whom it co-habitates. In other words, the Great White is the baddest sum'bitch the world has seen since the damn Tyrannosaurus Rex got meteor-slapped into extinction.
  Country music is an American musical style which has its origins in Appalachian Folk music, Gospel, Bluegrass, as well as Western Swing and Anglo-Celtic music. From the early 20th Century up until perhaps1970, Country Music had a very specific stylistic design as well as a specific target audience, the hard-drinking, fist-fighting square-dancing good ol' boys and the honky tonk women who loved them.
  Artists like Hank Williams Sr, Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, and Johnny Cash created a musical genre that spoke to the souls of American southerners and mid-westerners as well. Their love songs, murder ballads, and gospel-filled hymns were pure Americana, if not exactly every one's cup o' tea.
  Sometime after 1970, the city of Nashville, Tennessee became overwhelmed by men in suits from California and New York. These men came with the mission to package the charm of Country music, and make it marketable to every single American. They accomplished this by destroying the country songwriter and replacing them with melody-shitting machines, and lyricists who are, at best, pandering; at worst, racist, sexist, and xenophobic hacks who appeal to the ignorance and simplicity of unsophisticated, emotionally driven people with very simple tastes.
  The worst example that comes to my mind in the last few years is Toby Keith. Toby Keith is a bleached-mullet in a ten-gallon hat who would be working at a Wal-Mart changing oil, if it weren't for his pandering 9/11-profiteering songs, his racist, anti-Muslim odes, and his contrived "I once smoked pot with Willie Nelson" ditty that I find highly unbelievable. Willie Nelson would not waste perfectly funky buds of chronic on a closed-minded hick like Toby Keith. He should fill that Red Solo Cup with shark-chum and kindly take a swim with the Great Whites. Jaws, do your thing.
  The next example of how far Country music has fallen is perhaps the saddest of them all. Given his lineage, one would expect Hank Williams Jr. to follow in his father's footsteps, writing plaintive, weepy tales of melancholy and the plight of the working man. The stanzas of true cowboy poetry that would speak for the southern man the way Bob Dylan spoke to the frustrated youth of the 60s. He could have carried his father's torch. He could have been a real artist.
  Despite a truly good singing voice and an ability to compose melody, Hank Williams Jr completely lacks any artistic credibility or depth. He made a shockingly long career belting out hooky bullshit about being "born to boogie" with "all his rowdy friends."  This career fell off in the early 1990s, probably due to the massive amount of fellow Nashville hacks doing the exact same thing (Travis Tritt, Garth Brooks, Billy Ray Cyrus, et al). He then went on to host some horrifyingly stupid TV show about turkey hunting or some other boorish nonsense, and made a career out of singing a parody of one of his own songs on a weekly basis during the NFL season.
  That all came to a rather abrupt conclusion when, in 2011, Bocephus went on a news program (for some reason) and made disrespectful, factually inaccurate, and insensitive comments about the country's first African American president. Monday Night Football was, thereafter, way, way less annoying.
  For wasting America's time both with his completely irrelevant political ravings and his catalogue of lazy, uninspired music; Hank Williams Jr. must be wrapped in a suit of bloody salmon chunks, dunked in a vat of Great-White-Nip and made to walk the plank into a frothing, thrashing, Great -White feeding frenzy while the Discovery Channel films for Shark Week 2012. It's justice AND educational entertainment. It's Edu-tainment.
  There are many, many other modern "Country" acts who would make for great shark bait. If Kenny Chesney were to decide to complete the Circle of Life and feed a man-eater, that would be super-cool. If Tim McGraw, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Swift could find it in their hearts to find their way into a shark's gnashing teeth, nature would be all about that. All of those "artists" should do their part to ensure the survival of a species that has been listed as "vulnerable" by the IUCN Redlist of Threatened Species.
  If none of the above-listed acts can choose to do the right thing, we must do our part and round up all the boy bands, Justin Biebers, and Katy Perry's and keep the sharks from wasting away until we can serve them a proper Sugarland-Stew.

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