Vote For Ozzy Osbourne (or the Satan Administration)

  As this nearly unbearable election year enters the home-stretch, I find myself wanting to fill my ears with silicone caulk and to hot glue my eyes shut so as to avoid the constant barrage of mud-slinging campaign commercials gushing forth from the TV and radio. There seems to be no escape from the torrential storm of negative ads that seek to attempt to win our votes not by telling us about the virtues of the candidate who bought the air time; but rather to make certain we all know what a reprehensible fucking piece of dog shit he or she believes his or her opponent to be.
  This year's Presidential race is perhaps the worst ever, but it is unquestionably the worst in my lifetime. I have never seen two candidates spew such undiluted venom at one another. This will only get more vicious as we wrap up the conventions and get into the race in earnest.
  This year is unique among the elections I have seen in that nearly everyone who votes will be doing so to keep one of the candidates from winning instead of voting for the candidate they actually hopes wins. Of those who voted for President Obama in 2008 there are many (like myself) who are so dissatisfied with the job he has done that the thought of voting for him again is nearly unthinkable. It is, however, equally unthinkable to vote for Mitt Romney.
  He is an unrepentant business criminal who embodies every negative image of greedy excess one can think of. This guy is a fucking monocle and a long cigarette holder away from being the cartoon depiction of a Wall Street tycoon anyone would draw if asked to draw a fucking Wall Street tycoon. The man has gray "Paulie Walnuts" wings in his hair, for chrissakes! His teeth sparkle in an unnatural way that makes me uncomfortable, like he may actually be a vampire as opposed to a figurative "blood-sucker" who will leave you penniless but not literally sucked dry.
  On the other side we have Mr. Hopey McChangerson himself, President Barry H. Obama. He was going to end the wars, save the economy, and hook us all up with this dude he knows who can get some really fantastic weed and it would be totally legal and we would all get laid. Not only did he do none of those things, his record is arguably as bad as George W. Bush's in nearly every significant way.
  If real Republicans could actually look past his skin color and official party affiliation, they would love this guy. He's done a great deal to make their war-mongering military-industrial complex paymasters even wealthier, AND he killed the troublesome pest Osama Bin Laden. He did all that while still managing to ensure the U.S. military will be on the ground in the Middle East for decades to come. The Perpetual Motion Engine has finally been created, and it is a goddamned war machine  (queue War Pigs by Black Sabbath).
  So those are the choices we have for our nation's highest office: an Arrow shirt model with magic underwear who will see the poor drowned in the liquid feces of of the Elders of the Mormon Church, or the incumbent, who will shape-shift into the form of Ronald Reagan's gaseous, bloated corpse for his final four years in office while vomiting liberal platitudes and green bile all over the inauguration podium while issuing an air strike on a daycare in Kabul from his pointy, prehensile tail. Strap in, bitches; this ride is about to go completely off the fucking rails. See you in the nuclear waste-land afterwards.