I Learned Everything I Really Need To Know At Chicken Restaurants...

  In my younger days, I was what you might call a lost soul.  My ideals and morality were so distorted and poorly constructed that I could scarcely be said to have any moral compass at all.  I didn't care enough about myself to bother with concepts of right and wrong, particularly when it came to the great moral dilemmas that so divide and vex our world.  I instead adhered to a philosophy of self gratification and indulgence that left me nearly blind and rendered more than one computer so riddled with porn-related viruses that they had to be destroyed. Just like a rabid dog, those machines had to be put down before they infected any other innocent computers. I watched a lot of porn, is what I'm saying.
   But my unhealthy relationship with the erotic arts wasn't my only character flaw. Not by a damn sight. In those days, on the very rare occasion that I did have an ethical question, I would seek advice from my father or mother, a learned professor, perhaps just a particularly wise-looking old dude sitting at a bus stop. Never once did I do the right thing and take my moral quandary to the obvious true moral authority of our age, the owner and proprietor of Chick-Fil-A.
  Had I but opened my eyes to the reality that there existed a real life manifestation of God's own will, I could have set my course right and true and been thereafter unwavering in my scrupulous, just, good, and holy approach to living a proper existence in accordance with God's plan (as revealed to the owner of Chick-Fil-A by Jesus Christ Himself).
  Hindsight is twenty-twenty, they say. I can't waste time looking back, however. I must instead look forward, remembering to always ask myself when in times of uncertainty this simple question "WWDCD?" What Would Dan Cathy Do?
  We can be sure that whatever Dan Cathy would do, it would NOT include gay sex. That's a non-starter in Dan's book of do's and don't's. That's right out of the question! No butt-play. No Dirty Sanchez's. No Cleveland Steamers. No reach-arounds. Nothing but wholesome, man-on-wife missionary position. That's IT! So sayeth the Lord...of greasy, artery-clogging fried chicken sandwiches and French fries. Amen.
   I hope that you too learn to follow in the righteous footsteps of that holy prophet and take his example as seriously as I have. It will truly change your life. Much like any other cult. This cult just comes with waffle-fries and cole slaw...and instead of taking your life-savings and organizing a mass-suicide, they milk you one $5.99 Extra Value Meal at a time and you die of a massive heart attack when you least expect it as opposed to slurping down cyanide-flavored Kool Aid and keeling over in a tent in Guyana or burning alive in an ATF raid on your compound. I'll be praying for you...sinners.

This is a work of sarcasm. The author fully intended all the hyperbole you are so angry about and will not engage in a debate about the topic of gay marriage or care what side of that issue you are on. He is also not interested in your religious superstitions or moral code. Just let it go.


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Bless you...