Getta Load'a The Balls On Todd Akin (A Rape-trospective)

  Rep. Todd Akin (R)-Missouri is, without question, the bravest man in America.  A member of a political party that has made a name for itself by attempting to control the bodies and behavior of women, he has distinguished himself by finally hitting that gender where it hurts: their evil, man-trapping vaginas.
  Many is the poor, unsuspecting rapist who was simply trying to overpower and forcibly penetrate an uncooperative, completely unwilling and stubborn woman's vagina; only to be roped into unwanted and unplanned fatherhood. This, despite that woman's well-known ability to prevent her egg's fertilization using her 'Pussy Control' (a female-specific super-power first brought to the world's attention by pop-star Prince on his 1995 album The Gold Experience).
  It isn't simply Akin's bold stance against women which is to be commended, it is also his steadfast confidence in his ability to win the November election against Democratic opponent Claire McCaskill (bitch).  Though the entire Republican party has universally condemned Akin's comments in an effort to seem less chauvinistic than their colleague, he has refused to drop out of the race by the State of Missouri's deadline of 5pm today. It will now require a court order to get Akin off the ballot, and Akin's campaign would have to foot the bill for the reprinting of those ballots.
  So fiercely does the Republican party want Todd Akin to abandon his bid for the Senate that presumptive Presidential and Vice-Presidential nominees Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan even took a break from their scheduled pro-life rally outside a Planned Parenthood to tell reporters they felt Akin's comments went "a smidge too far." When pressed for more details by a female beat-writer, they said in unison "What, are you deaf, Bitch? We said he went too far!" As they walked away, Paul Ryan muttered under his breath something about having 99 problems, but a bitch not being among them. That was, however, off-the-record.
  What is clear is that Todd Akin is resolved to defeat that uppity Claire McCaskill, and finally bring to the U.S. Senate what it so sorely lacks; the perspective of the common conservative American man, as well as someone to finally stand up and define what is or is not a truly legitimate and forcible rape. There is simply no more pressing business before this upcoming session of Congress.
  This story is still developing, and you can count on this blogger to keep you apprised of any additional information. That is, unless some awful witch-woman she-devil uses her voodoo mojo powers to prevent me from keeping my focus...that would be just like one of them to keep a man from the truth.  Can't live with em', and apparently the liberal, 'Gotcha' media frown on even a little bit of playful rape, even in cases when the woman is dressed really slutty and clearly wants it. Welcome to Obama's America.

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Special thanks go out to my soul-mate and wife, Katie, for never, ever giving me any lip and for always having my supper ready on time. I love you, Lady. It's too bad you're forbidden to use the Internet, and thus, will never know I acknowledged you here. I'm sure you would have liked that.